The Downsides of Being a Strong, Independent Woman
So many of the women I work with, myself included, were raised to be strong, independent women.
From an early age, we were taught to be both people-pleasing and headstrong (an interesting contradiction that has led to many an internal struggle).
We were taught that not only are we powerful enough to create our destinies, but that to rely on a man (or anyone else) would show weakness at best and be dangerous at worst.
Being a strong, independent woman has become kind of a buzz word, a cultural dictate, a template that we were gifted from generations prior who never had the opportunity for the kind of independence we have now.
And while I’m grateful for the women who fought for our personal freedoms, I fear that we’ve swung too far to the other end of the spectrum in this particular instance.
Women can indeed become anything they want, get the degree, make the money, climb the ladder. Many in the Western World don’t actually need to depend on a man for survival, protection, or even pleasure.
But are we actually happier? Is being a strong, independent woman all that we were told it would be?
In my years as a therapist and a coach, I’ve worked with many women who identify this way.
These are women who find themselves with all the trappings of success: The degree, the career, the letters after their name, the salary, the house, the car, etc.
They are certainly highly intelligent, gifted, competent, and successful.
They don’t seem to want for anything…or so it seems.
What people don’t see is that many of these same women who seem to have it so together on the outside are crumbling on the inside.
Doctors, lawyers, business-women, professors, consultants. Married, single, in relationships. Doing work they love or not so much.
Despite their differences, the one thing they all had in common was a sinking feeling of disappointment that they life they were taught to fight for isn’t the life that they actually want.
The life that seems so shiny on the outside feels lackluster, empty, and meaningless on the inside.
All of these women struggle with what I’m now referring to as Strong Independent Woman Syndrome.
Symptoms of Strong Independent Woman Syndrome (SIW) include:
Never feeling successful enough, despite a long list of achievements
Conflating patriarchy with masculinity and misdirecting that rage towards men in general
Wondering where “all the good men have gone”
Struggling to rest, relax, or enjoy time off
Subconsciously choosing alpha men who are attracted to you because they see you as a conquest or finding passive, feminine men who want to be taken care of
Mistaking nice guys as weak guys
Feeling uncomfortable receiving or being taken care of (despite secretly wanting to be taken care of sometimes)
Feeling lost and purposeless (despite a successful career)
Putting career success before relationships (and secretly resenting it)
The biggest problem with this push to be a SIW is that it has created a generation of women who are incredibly high-functioning and successful by external measures, but who also feel lonely, purposeless, and unfulfilled.
In my experience, I’ve also found that calling yourself a Strong Independent Woman is more about projecting a persona than it is an authentic identity.
We mistake it for an identity, for a truth, but much of what we call ‘strength’ and ‘independence’ in this context is actually armor. It’s a defense. It’s a wall we put up to prove to the world that we aren’t weak or needy or emotional.
The truth is that the drive towards independence and protecting that image at all costs is leaving more and more women feeling alone, depleted, and secretly like a fraud because being a strong, independent woman is f*cking exhausting.
I know, because I’ve been there. I know, because I’ve worked with hundreds of women who struggle with this.
This rhetoric, this narrative, this persona that we have been taught to embody like a second skin is creating a generation of women who are displaying the same wounds as men.
We’re afraid to ask for help, we’re afraid to let people in, and we’re afraid to show the world what’s really going on.
This is not how we create a society of healthy individuals.
Whenever I work with a woman who struggles with this, there is inevitably a sense of relief when I tell her that it’s okay to want to slow down, to stop equating her achievement with her self-worth, and to want to find a loving, masculine partner who will make her dinner for once.
These don’t make her less of a woman. They don’t strip her of her intelligence, abilities, or competencies.
In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
When a woman is able to own her feminine qualities just as much as her masculine energy she naturally finds more of an equilibrium within herself, a balance that is far more sustainable than the way she once was living.
When we stop blaming all men for the last few thousand years of patriarchy and instead become a generation of women who understand that men have been wounded too, we can start to create the foundation for healthier, more satisfying relationships.
When we stop disrespecting ourselves through casual s*x and toxic relationships (and calling it s*xual empowerment), we can help women heal the wounds that impede their ability to connect and create intimacy with the right kind of partner for them.
And when we stop pushing women to climb corporate ladders (if they don’t want to), we can start to help them recognize and hone their innate gifts so they can live and work in a way that is purposeful and meaningful to them.
I don’t wear the title “Strong, Independent Woman” as a badge of honor anymore.
In fact, I’ve discarded it from my identity altogether.
It doesn’t mean I don’t have strength or the capacity to be independent, but it means I no longer define myself by my hard edges. I no longer feel the need to project a persona to the world to curate what they think of me.
And it feels…lighter. It feels…freeing.
It feels like the feeling I was searching for all along.